What employers wish they could say but can't (or won't)

Some things get easier to deal with as we get older or as time goes by. Rejection isn't one of those things. I'm still looking for a job and recently I received a rejection letter in the mail. It was the standard response;

"Dear blah blah blah,
Thank you for your application. We regret blah blah blah et cetera et cetera blah blah blah."

Basically, they were saying they weren't interested in giving me a job. Rejection letters seem to be the same no matter who writes them. Some are a little nicer than others (if it's possible to be nice while telling someone to shove off) but for the most part they are the same.

To humour myself (and because really I have nothing better to do), I've drafted an alternative rejection letter. It says what potential employers probably want to say but are prevented from doing, either by the dictates of etiquette or the fear of a lawsuit.

Being unemployed, excuse me, in-between opportunities, and in the mood to disregard etiquette, here's my suggestion for a truthful rejection letter;

Dear Applicant,

Thanks for sending in your application. It provided us much needed
comic relief. We were rolling on the floor laughing by the time we
were done reading your letter and resume. Thank you for the
entertainment. Please note that as it was unsolicited, there shall be
no form of compensation provided to you. But thank you anyway.

Although this office is direly in need of humour, we currently have no
funds for such a position and unfortunately you are not qualified for
any other position. You didn't really think we'd offer you the job though,
did you? Thanks for the laugh.

Sincerely (and still in stitches),

Wennell Frizzizova,

Chairperson, Selection Committee.


Happy jobhunting and good luck to anyone else who's looking!

Lost in translation?

Dubai Int'l Airport - I'll just use the "ladies toilet", thanks. Is there just one?





















Hee! hee! Saw this sign on a cab window last week in Dallas. My cat fancies a cigar every now and then but i promise he'll behave, now may we ride in your cab?

The things from home I miss the most

This week one of my best friends from Kenya came to visit. We had a ball but the downside of that is that now I'm really homesick. I miss Kenya. No, let me rephrase that; I miss the idea that I have of home, of Kenya. Do you ever get that feeling? You miss something so much and you build it up into this perfect thing and yet the perfection is all in your mind? That's how I feel. It's not hard to think of Kenya as the perfect place to be when one is in an unfamiliar, unfriendly place. I mean, at least in Kenya, no one would be referring to me as a (non-resident) alien.

Along with the idea of Kenya that I have in my mind, is the taste and smell of some things I haven't eaten, seen, smelt, tasted or heard in about a year, some longer. It might sound crazy or mundane but sometimes I have the oddest food and non-food longings. I miss:

1) Creamy toffee - the soft, sticky, gooey sweetness of creamy toffee in all it's different flavours. That's something I haven't tasted in years, but somehow recently I remembered it. I don't even think it exists anywhere except in my memory.
2) Goody goody - they used to be soft, then they became hard, but they were still pretty good. mmmm....I think this was my favourite sweet as I was growing up. Are they still in existence?
3)Kenchic chicken - chicken in the U.S. of A tastes like reconstituted chewing gum. Sure, lots of spices help, but the cure for my longing would be a whole kuku porno/kuku somersault right now.
4) Kenyan Chips/French Fries - yaani, I miss fresh cut french fries. I miss knowing that there is some unseen person in the kitchen working the potato peeler/chopper or cutting the waru (potatoes) by hand. The frozen, pre-cooked fries in most restaurants have caused this self-confessed fry addict to go cold turkey. I'm suffering withdrawal.
5) I miss going to tao and bumping into people I know.
6) I miss having a kiosk just down the road from the house which i could walk to and buy anything i realised i didn't have in the middle of dinner prep.
7) I miss the noise, hustle and bustle of tao on a normal day -- the hawkers selling their wares ("beba na fifty, fifty bob!" - buy for fifty shillings), the woman who sits outside stanchart, opposite nando's, yelling, "nipe shiringi!", the matatu manambas yelling for passengers..., the boom twaff of their (mostly awful) music.
8) I miss Kenyan radio--there was stuff i could relate to. here, i don't even listen to radio anymore except for NPR and BBC online.
9) I miss cheap, fresh produce. Cheap 'cause all I needed to do was go visit mathee for the weekend and she would unleash maize, onions, tomatoes, potatoes - uchumi kando!
10) I miss, and I can't believe I am saying this please hit me over the head hard now, being called "auntie" and "siste". Somehow "ma'am" just doesn't have quite the same ring.
11) I miss the open nature of Kenyans. When people can't stand your guts, they don't pretend. They may not say it to your face outright lakini they don't smile at you and shake your hand, and pretend to laugh at your jokes so you don't think they are racist and sue their arse!
12) I miss guilt-free decisions about whether to tip at restaurants or not. The decision was influenced solely by the quality of the service not by the 10% or more rule. (P.S. - guilt doesn't mean that I tip just because it's expected)
13) I miss having my hair done every week because it was so cheap. Speaking of hair, I miss being able to braid my hair without it costing me the equivalent of a whole month's worth of lunches.
14) Two words; nyama choma.

If you are away, what do you miss the most about home? And if you are at home, what do you think you would miss the most if you left?