Sex
Did that make anyone uncomfortable? What entered your mind? I'm of the opinion that as a society, us Kenyans can be rather prudish. How many people including you, do you know who got "the talk" from their parents? I never did, despite the fact that my mum was a health professional who probably talked to dozens of strangers about sex, birth control etc. every single day.
The argument is made by many that sex is a private thing and so it should only be discussed in private. Fair enough. I'm not suggesting that dinner time conversation and chats on public transportation all turn into lively (or not) sex discussions. What I am doing though is questioning our urge to talk about sex in whispers or not at all, our urge to act as though we don't do it even though the evidence is all around us.
Remember when there was a big hue and cry when it was suggested that sex education be taught in schools? No, our children, our youth will become promiscuous. That's funny (in the way that banging your elbow and hitting your funny bone is funny) because "our children" are more promiscuous now and we still won't talk about sex.
If talking about sex, "good" sex (good defining not the sex itself but consensual sex) isn't something we do, then don't be amazed when little girls don't tell about "bad sex", don't tell about Uncle X or Mr. Y doing things to them. If we are unwilling to discuss consensual sex then I imagine that we are far less willing to discuss the perversion of sex - incest, child molestation, rape. Because if we talk about one openly then we will have no choice but to talk about the other one.
I'm not asking for gory details, I'm just advocating for the creation of a more open environment. An environment where people aren't so repressed. I mean it's pretty obvious we are having sex--our huge population is testament to that--so can we please stop ignoring the elephant in the middle of our living room?
Let's talk about s-e-x. When children ask questions, let them not be met with stony silence or responses like "ask your mother" or "look it up in the encyclopaedia" or "where did you learn that word?"
I'm doing a poll, how many Kenyan's parents talked with them openly and honestly about the birds and the bees? How old were you? How did you feel then? And now, are you glad that they did? And if they didn't, how do you feel about it now?
posted by wg-k @ 07:56
10 Comments:
Dad talked about it occasionally , but I credit my faith in Christ Jesus, a praying mom and teachers of the gospel for the level of integrity and maturity i express on this issue.
On the other hand, i support the issue of sex being taught in schools, but the government's stand should be abstainance, HIV AND STD education and prevention (through abstainance offcourse) and the emotional and psychological scars that come form pre-marital sex(In schools). The Kenyan GVT is doing something too, in the area of educating the public, through family planning and sex education)
The government should also educate parents on how to recognize behavior that is consistent with 'bad sex', and also tighten laws on sexual oriented crimes.
I dont think I ever heard my parents talk about sex and I have had to "fundishwa na ulimwengu" if you know what I mean.
am still waiting for that talk-trust me!
Its true society should loosen up-this is an era of free information. i think i fully sex around std 6-7 nowadays a std 1-2 could teach you a thing or two.
Problem is changing people's attitude would be next to imppossible-so i guess its upto this Kenyan generation to start the change with the next
My parents didn't discuss any of that with me & in some ways knew I was going to be okay...donnoh how but must have their parental instincts or something.
They were okay with the friends I brought home & even when I started dating maybe coz most of my friends & g/friends were kool people & I didn't feel any shame when they asked if I was going out with such & such a girl.
I will discuss it with my kids coz these are trying times we're living in.
I don't think the Government ought to advocate any one stand - instead they ought to facilitate/support the choices made by citizens. Whether it is to provide sex education because that is what majority of parents are advocating for. Or whether it is to make condoms readily available to young people because despite what the 'conservatives' are saying, the statistics are shouting even louder - rates of infection among young women are on the increase - some of which arise from unprotected sex with young men their age.
Government is not a moral barometer of society. It is there to facilitate citizens' choices.
What do You have to say on my article: do you think it has some coordination to what you are talking about?
WOMEN AREN'T ATTRACTED TO GUYS THEY PERCEIVE AS AVERAGE.
This week I want to talk about an obvious point that's taken me a few years to really notice.
The idea is simple: We humans don't want what everyone else has... we want what everyone else has AND MORE. In the context of women and dating,
it goes like this:
WOMEN AREN'T ATTRACTED TO GUYS THEY PERCEIVE AS
AVERAGE.
Remember, ATTRACTION doesn't make logical sense... Women don't say "Oh, he's a kind, honest, loyal type of guy from a good family... AND THAT
REALLY TURNS ME ON."
Nope.
Women say things like:
"He's sexy"... "There's chemistry between us"... "I really feel something for him"... etc.
And also remember: If a woman feels a strong ATTRACTION for you, then the rest of the equation isn't as important. If she feels it, she'll go out of her way to find good reasons to be with you... even if you're not her "physical type".
On the other hand, no amount of gifts, favors, dinners, kindness, or a good family will make her feel ATTRACTION... at best these things can only make her feel a more "loyal" kind of love.
So if women don't like "average" guys and the most important thing is to make her feel
ATTRACTION towards you, then how do you do it?
I thought you'd never ask...
First, let's talk about the word "average" and what it REALLY means. As far as women are concerned, and especially the ATTRACTIVE ones, men are EVERYWHERE. They're
like cars. Every once in awhile one stands out and makes you say "Oh, that one is nice."
A lot of guys take this concept too far and say” Well, I'm not rich, and I'm not famous... so no really hot woman is going to find me attractive."
My experience and research has shown me that women are far more ATTRACTED to things like attitude, confidence, body language, humor, etc.than looks or money. Sure, those things might INITIALLY get a woman's attention, and there are
those women that will only settle for a rich or unusually handsome guy... but this is the extreme minority.
In fact, it's very easy to be seen as "above average" if you know what women are looking for, and you know how to deliver.
Remember the danger: If you are perceived as average" early on, then a switch goes off in her mind, and the game will be over before it's even begun.
So let's do a little exercise...Let's figure out two things:
1) What most guys do that women see as "average”, and...
2) What you can do to instantly be seen as "ABOVE average" and, most importantly, ATTRACTIVE.
First, let's talk about what most guys do inmost situations (more specifically, what most guys do WRONG). Here are some of the things that I’ve seen...If the setting is a bar or a club, most guys will either say "Can I buy you a drink?", "Want to dance?", or "Hey baby, how YOU doin'?"... or they do crass things like stare at women with wanting eyes or grab them as they walk by.
If the setting is a public place, like maybe a woman working at a clothing store, a waitress, or some other similar high-traffic situation, most guys will ask a lame question like "Do you have a boyfriend?" or "Can I take you out sometime?"
Ugh.
These kinds of approaches can only result in you being seen as another lame, average guy.
Here are a few ideas to try instead...If you're in a bar or club setting, try asking
a woman or a group of women THEIR OPINION on something. I personally like this one:
"Hey, my friends and I were talking and we need female perspective... What do you ladies think about this new trend of women being proud of paying their own way and buying their own things? Like the Destiny's Child song "Independent Woman?"
Women will usually ENTHUSIASTICALLY join into a conversation like this one. (I personally like this topic because it starts off by talking about women taking care of themselves in a positive light, which sets the stage for not having to pay
For a lot of things right up front!)
If you're out in a public place, at a store where a woman is working or some other high-
Traffic place, you might try something like this: After chatting about whatever business you’re doing there, say "Hey, are you single?” I love this question! It's such a shocker, and
it says all the right things. Most guys say "Do you have a boyfriend?" which is the usual
Question. "Are you single?" is much more forward, and most women have to do a double take to think for a moment.
If she pauses, I say "I'll take that as ayes...", which is pretty funny and usually gets a
Laugh. In either of these cases, it's now time to get the digits and get out. You already know that I’m not a fan of standing around and trying to keep a conversation going for any longer than you have to.
So after two or three minutes of small talk and general conversation, just go into the "3 Minute Phone Number" close that you've learned in an earlier newsletter or in my book...
Say "It was nice talking to you; I'm going to get back to my friends... (or shopping, or
whatever)" and as you turn away, turn back and say Do you have email...?" etc.
These two scenarios are obviously very simple, and also very easy. I've had guys say to me "Well, there’s nothing really that different about those
Approaches."
Ah, but there is.
The most important difference is that you’re doing something COMPLETELY different than the other 47 guys who have approached her that day...and you also know EXACTLY what you’re going to do and say and the conversation progresses.
Of course, another thing you can do that will INSTANTLY separate you from the rest of the crowdies to use the idea of being "Cocky and Funny”, which I teach in my e-Book "Double Your Dating" and in my Advanced Dating Techniques CD/DVD program.
This very unique approach has helped many of my thousands of readers to dramatically increase their success with women... and to be no longer seen as AVERAGE by women.
If you haven't learned how to use the almost MAGICAL formula of being Cocky & Funny, or any of the literally hundreds of other techniques It each, then you really need to get yourself a copy of my online e-Book and a copy of my Advanced Dating Techniques program.
These two tools will DRAMATICALLY increase your success with women and dating.
You can download my online e-Book here right now:
Kalmax.blogspot.com
And you can order your copy of my Advanced
Dating Techniques CD/DVD program at zero risk (try it before you buy it) here:
So go out this week, and DON'T BE AVERAGE ANYMORE.
Talk to you soon.
You’re Friend,
Jude
P.S. If you'd like to send me a Success Story, Questions, or Comment, follow these guidelines:
1) Keep it short and to the point. Two paragraphs ax.
2) Tell me what's working for you before you ask your question. I appreciate all of the "Your stuff is great" and "I don't need to tell you how well your stuff works" comments, but the fact is that I DO need to hear all of the specifics...because this helps other guys to see hat’s working in different situations.
3) If you have a Success Story, write "Success Story" in the subject line of the email. I read
these first.
4) At the end of the email, give me your initial sand tell me where you're from.
5) Send it to me at: Kalmax@techemail.com
Sex can ofcourse be a very nasty thing to talk to very young people about. Even if i dont have amemory of my Dad or Mum talk to me about it it still was every where in the community i lived in. So my submission here would be that even if parents can avoid to talk to their children about sex trust me its better than learning about it secretly in peer groups.
Thanks everyone, for stopping by.
2 uzimalife - I'm glad to hear your dad spoke with you about sex. although i agree with you that the govt should teach sex education in schools, i have a different opinion about what they should teach. while abstinence is what i would advocate, and what i believe in as a christian, i can't pretend that everyone subscribes to the same belief. abstinence should be advocated but it can't be the only thing that the government teaches about sex in schools. whether we support it or not, people will have pre-marital sex. so it is best for them to be armed with all the information necessary to be safe when they do.
farmgal, welcome to the club! i had to learn through experience too and I always wish it could have been different.
nick, i think we know that if we chill for that talk from our paros, we will chill till we're old and grey, and it still won't be forthcoming!I believe the change can start with us though. I think our generation is pretty open about sex in terms of who's doing what with who etc. The challenge though, is will we carry that openness with us when we enter parenthood? Or will we revert to the familiar, yet unsatisfactory (no pun intended) pattern that we observed and internalised from our parents?
Akiey, I couldn't agree more, these are trying times. Its great you had that instinct that you were going to be ok. I guess many people would probably disagree with me, but I feel like it used to be a lot easier for guys to get by with not having had the "sex talk" with their parents. But times have changed and now i don't think it matters whether someone has a son or daughter; everyone needs to talk honestly and openly with their children about sex.
kymmbr, you make me laugh, but you are right about us needing to do something for the sake of our children. (I don't have any either).
Sunflower, I totally hear you! I've made a few mistakes myself and I know I'd have made better choices if I had someone to talk to openly and honestly about sex. Hang in there, but above all, I hope you learn and grow from your experiences.
Afrofeminista, well said, I couldn't agree more. Everyone has a right to form their own opinions and make their own choices.
Kalmax, I don't think that sex, or talking about it is nasty at all. Sex is what we make it, and if we act as though it is a nasty, dirty thing, then that is what we pass on to our children (if and when we have any). You are right though, ultimately as uncomfortable as it might make parents to talk about sex with their children, it is better than letting their children learn from tv/the world and their friends.
As for your other post, while not directly related to what I was saying about sex, you do make some interesting points. I think that what attracts a woman to a guy depends on what point at her life she is in. When I was 18 or 19, sure chemistry was what turned me on. but as i grew a little older and was looking to settle down, the loyal, honest guy from the good family was what turned me on (still does, and we're married now)!
"So are you single?" still smacks of a come-on to me and really wouldn't win a guy points with me.
How did I manage to miss this post?
Our family is fairly open about sex. By family I mean my entire extended family because when we hang out we tend to hang out as one big group.
We don't discuss our sex lives but in terms of relationships - we have always been encouraged to bring boyfriends/girlfriends home to meet the family.
In relation the the transmission of HIV and other STIs - we are very open and that is a topic that has been discussed loads of times.
Discussions on sex also crop up in relation to sexual preference and rights.
I think if I could have sum it up I would say we are respectful of each other's views and we are aware that some in our family find it easier than others. But there is also a level of openess that exists amongst us a family and all of us know that we can turn to each and any of us and talk of any subject no matter how taboo...
My parents called us all together, asked if we needed the talk - No (was our answer) and then they refered us to a parents magazine that had recently published an article on 'the birds adn the bess!' I plan to be open and honest with my kids!!!
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